A girl who says she's from Sacramento phones me (temperatures in the 80's there,
here, Lake Erie) on my private land-line asking me if I'm enjoying my magazine
subscription. How can I enjoy my subscription, that, though paid for, never
the mail? She wants to do the talking here, though, so my story can wait.
me that I'm a Golden Subscriber, which also entitles me to my choice
magazines: Lollipops, Razors and some name that still remains
to me. She's fast, she's smooth, and she's long on the draw...
I interrupt, though. Late last year I paid the magazine's renewal
way ahead of time, and I was still dropped from its mailing list.
No Problem, she says, I'm calling you because you are definitely
on the list and you most definitely will receive my magazines.
Somehow, I'm back on a
magazine list that generates cute-sounding girls calling
at home and offering to send me more of the magazines that I already don't
I only read the articles, I repeat. She goes back into her Lollipops
and whatever forever riff. She next offers me her personalized services.
No, I don't believe her when she promises me that she'll personally see
to it that
I receive all of her magazines. Not even when she says
she'll affix the
stamps by herself, all of them, for every
Self-stick, no doubt?
I don't ask, yet I think the next offer is for me to give her my email
and credit card
number so she can forward to me the pictures of her licking my
stamps and mailing my
picture-books to me. Instead, I ask what sort of
articles her magazines have.
She answers by reminding me that I am a Golden
Can you go up the ladder, let someone know of my subscriber's troubles, I
No answers coming from her telephone lips. What company are you calling for,
who do you
She hesitates, then quickly answers: "PMS."
"P M S," I say? PMS?
"No, no," she answers, slowing her voice-train down,
repeating it until she communicates slowly that
letter M is really the letter N. Therefore, the long name of the company is
not P*M*S; it is P*N*S.
"What's this all about: P*M*S to P* N* S?, " I say,
just before she unilaterally
Golden Subscriber interlude. I wonder if she will call me again tomorrow, perhaps at the same time?
I only read the articles, though.